Orthopraxy and Honesty

Let's start off this new series of advice posts by talking about honesty.

I know of quite a few OPers who are in the closet, and the question is, do they have an obligation to come out of the closet? Should they tell people what they really believe, or are their personal beliefs nobody's business but their own?

The recent Ami Magazine article on Orthopraxy seemed to imply that the OPers were evil sickos, not just because they lacked the requisite beliefs, but also because they weren't being honest about their lack of beliefs. And, perhaps somewhat ironically, I myself have in the past criticized the 'Fundie Fakers' who say one thing but believe another. Are Ami Magazine and I really on the same side on this one?!

But is this a legitimate criticism? Just how honest does one need to be? Aren't beliefs a private affair? On the other hand, if the whole raison d'etre of the OPer is a quest for truth, isn't it somewhat hypocritical that they then become dishonest about their own beliefs?

I think there are a number of ways to approach this, but first we have to more clearly define what we are talking about.

For the purposes of this post, I am assuming that we are talking about people living in an Orthodox Jewish community, going to an OJ shul, with kids in an OJ school, and are not newly minted BTs. Said people however, for whatever reasons, do not believe in all the tenets of OJ, which at the present moment are sociologically defined as the 13 ikkarim.

One further thing needs to be clarified - what do we mean by 'does not believe?' Does this mean one has to be a strong atheist? How about an agnostic? The head of RIETS told me that as long as someone doesn't emphatically deny the existence of God, they are not classified as a kofer, and very few skeptics / OPers emphatically deny God's existence, they just lack belief in Him. Also, an OPer could believe in God, but might just have doubts about TMS, or Techiyas Hamaysim, or one of the other ikkarim.

So for the purposes of this post, I'm talking about honesty in what you believe, whatever that may be. It may be you believe in 12 ikkarim, but have doubts about number 13. It may be that you do indeed emphatically deny all of them. Or anything in between. There certainly may be halachic ramifications in the level of disbelief, but that's not my focus here (though in some circumstances, this could be very relevant indeed). It may be you don't know anymore what you believe. For this post, none of that is relevant. I'm talking about being honest about what you truly believe (or don't believe, or are not sure). Likewise, some people have predictable cycles, like believing in God during takeoff and landing. Whatever is really going on in your head, that's what I'm talking about.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, just what do I mean by honesty? Do you have to tell as many people as possible under all circumstances? Shout it from the rooftops? Or just respond honestly if and when asked a very direct question? For the purposes of this post, I'm going to say that we are talking about a situation where there is an expectation that you believe, and that if you don't believe, the other people involved would like to know that. So for example, since religion in the workplace is a no-no, there's no expectation that you tell your boss that you are an atheist, so that is not under consideration. However, if your Job is OJ Rabbi, then there is an expectation.

Now to approach the question. I'm first going to approach it by considering the person or persons to whom you are being honest (or dishonest) with.

1. Honesty to one's spouse (or similar partner)

In general, I think most people would say that it is indeed very important to be honest with one's spouse. Nobody would be happy with a spouse who lies to them, and in an OJ marriage presumably your beliefs (or lack of) are certainly something your spouse would like to know about. But what if you have a decent marriage, but your spouse is a hard core fundie, and you just know that they couldn't handle it, and it would destroy your family, perhaps even result in divorce. Do you really have a moral obligation to tell them the truth in such a case? Honesty is important, honesty to one's spouse even more so, but I would be hard pressed to say that it's worth destroying your marriage for. On the other hand, what kind of marriage (or partner) is it anyway that can't tolerate one spouse losing beliefs?

2. Honesty to one's family (parents, siblings)

My take on this is pretty simple. You don't owe your parents honesty (unless you live in their house). The Torah (and my subjective morality) say that you should treat your parents with respect. But that doesn't mean you have to tell them whats going on with your life. Same deal with your siblings.

3. Honesty to one's kids

This one is a tough one. Of course you shouldn't generally lie to your kids. But if you are an OPer, presumably your kids are going to an OJ school, and you could really mess them up by filling their heads with your beliefs or rather lack of. I know of an OPer who simply took his kids out of the OJ school and placed them in a community school - problem solved. But if this isn't possible then what? I think it may depend on how old they are. It's commonly accepted that little kids don't get the whole truth anyway, we frequently hide all sorts of things from them, so I don't think that's much of a problem. However teenagers or older should really be told the truth. This leads to a bit of a disparity however, since above I said you don't owe your parents the truth, but here I'm saying you do owe your kids. This doesn't seem right! So maybe you don't owe your kids either?

4. Honesty to the community

What about your shul? LWMO shuls seem to operate on a 'don't ask don't tell policy', and I think they pretty much expect that many of their members are not true believers anyway. But what about chareidi or RWMO shuls? I know of a very honest OPer in the UK who was bothered by this, so he asked the London Beis Din, who promptly told his shul that he wouldn't be allowed to get any aliyos anymore! An extreme reaction to be sure, but if this is the reality, then does an OPer have an obligation to tell his shul Rabbi about his beliefs? I would say it depends on the community or shul. LWMO, not a problem. RWMO or Chareidi, maybe you should tell them.

5. Honesty to your flock

But what if you are the Rabbi?! There was a blog a while back by an Orthoprax OJ Rabbi, and many people were horrified. Likewise, the Ami article talked about a posek who was Orthoprax (don't worry - they took 'steps' and made sure the problem was dealt with). Or not a Rabbi, but someone in Chinuch or similar. So I think it really depends on the situation and on the expectation. An OJ Rabbi is expected to be a believer. I think his congregation would be upset if he was faking it, hence there's an obligation for him to be honest. Likewise a Rebbe, or an Aish Hatorah lecturer or similar. I don't think this applies to academia though, they are supposed to be objective truth seekers, someone can write about TMS without personally believing in it. But a religious figure is certainly expected to believe. Incidentally, I just read that Mordechai Kaplan quit his shul job for this very reason. And it makes sense, if you are an OPer, then don't go being a Rabbi! But like the previous cases, it could be more complicated. What if you became a Rabbi many years ago, and only developed doubts later? What if you have a large flock who need you? What if you can't get another job and your salary is vital? All good points. But I would say that at the very least, you should probably stay away from preaching about faith.

A totally different approach

There may be a totally different way of looking at this. You could say, all fundies are totally delusional and dishonest anyway, they don't really care about the truth themselves, so why not just lie to them? Why should you have to be honest to people like that?

Another totally different approach

Here's another way of looking at this. A slightly lomdisher way. The Torah doesn't mandate against private beliefs as such. That's between you and your maker (assuming He exists). What the Torah doesn't like is when you speak about your beliefs, or even worse, act on them. So as long as you keep your beliefs (or lack of) to yourself, it's fine. The issue is davkah telling people what you believe or don't believe, or preaching kefirah. According to this, staying quiet is actually the better option. This doesn't sit so well with me, because at the end of the day its still kinda dishonest, especially if there is an expectation that you are a believer, but I've heard people use this type of rationalization.

Perhaps the bottom line here is that it totally depends on the who what where when and why. I don't have a consistent policy in dealing with the closet Opers that I know personally. There are multiple people I have hassled or continue to hassle because I feel they should be more honest about their beliefs (for all sorts of reasons), and there are other people I haven't ever bothered and wouldn't dream of doing so.

After thinking about this I realize that the people I leave alone are just your typical baal habos types, whereas the people I hassle are all Rabbis, educators or similar people of influence. I guess my thinking is that there is a large group of OPers out there who are lost, and a few OP Rabbis or educators could be a real inspiration to them (and me). It bugs the heck out of me that I know Rabbis here in the US who could do wonders for my cause but don't speak up because they are scared about being kicked out of their communities. Also I don't like fakery, and an OP Rabbi seems to be a bigger faker than most. But I would be interested to hear other perspectives on this.

Are you Orthoprax? Are you in the closet? Have you told anyone? Who have you hid the truth from? How do you justify being less than honest?

Reconciling resurrection with science

Does Resurrection Contradict Science?: via HuffPost

Coming Soon: Advice for Closet Orthopraxers

Over the past few years I have received a number of emails from people asking for help and advice, mostly from OPers stuck in the closet. I received one last week from Israel. I also know a few closet OPers who wouldn't dream of asking me advice, but I'm going to give it to them anyway. Why are people asking me for advice? Because none of the usual channels are helpful. These people are not going to be impressed by an Aish Seminar, nor do they care for the Science and Torah reconciliation stuff, they're not stupid, they're just looking for practical advice. So stay tuned.

Threat Level 9! Orthoprax Chareidi Impostors Among Us!

Ami Magazine has an article about Orthoprax impostors, it has been posted online here. Mostly the article seems to be talking about Chareidi Orthopraxers, even the one example they use of someone who grew up Modern Orthodox was someone who became Chareidi first before going Orthoprax. The article is also remarkable for acknowledging the fact that even kollel yungerleit and poskim from the upper echelons of Chareidi society are Orthoprax, and that intellectual heresy is an issue, and it's not all about taavos. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Had I seen this article on VIN I would have argued it's actually quite subversive.

The article is full of choice quotes, many of which are unintentionally (or possibly intentionally) quite revealing / hilarious. Here's a few:

"The Internet has become a breeding ground for an ominous rebellion against the eternal truths of the Torah. Infected with the thought processes of secular philosophies, these heretics are among us as yeshiva bochurim and baalei batim, even in the higher ranks of our community."

Rabbi Deutsch [a kiruv klown] is open about his success rate with the Orthoprax: he has had no success at all. “I sent them to the biggest scientists, who understand science far better than anything they read on the web and are fully Orthodox Jews. Nothing helped.”

Unlike many of the formerly-frum, these Orthoprax men are not bitter toward Judaism, says Rabbi Deutsch. They don’t claim to have been abused, and their family lives tend to have been stable. None of the typical precursors to religious rebellion were present in the Orthoprax. They simply left their emunah behind, following instead a nonsensical thought process into the thicket of apikorsus. Had they any true understanding of Judaism, they would have never felt threatened by secular thought. The problem is their superficial grasp of both topics.

He describes them almost as mentally ill. “To me, [the disbelief] is a sickness,” he says.

So here we have the opinion that (Chareidi) Orthopraxers are almost mentally ill. After all, what other explanation could there possibly be?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Milstein, a senior lecturer for the Discovery Program, puts it even clearer:

... he has found that emotional problems are behind almost all kefira. “In addition to many other things, to stop believing is inconvenient.” Immersed in a religious world, they are suddenly cut off from their entire milieu. “Why would they do it if they didn’t have some emotional issues?”

This is actually an awesome quote. Why would anyone want to give up belief? It's so damn inconvenient (very true in most cases). So the only possible reason is emotional issues. What Millstein is acknowledging here, possibly without realizing it, is that the pull to stay a believer is so strong that only the mentally ill or people with "emotional issues" could possibly want to break free. Is there any stronger argument for the bias of religious believers? Amazing!

[Yes, I know what Millstein would respond. The truth of Torah is so obvious that only a mental person would reject it! And the RWMO intelleifundie would respond, only Chareidim are biased, we are not. Or possibly we are biased too, but then so is everyone else.].

I of course live in LWMO land, where about 50% of us are Orthoprax to varying degrees and are not very veiled at all. So I don't feel the article was being written about me or my crowd, and I wasn't particularly bothered by it. But I do know quite a few Chareidi or RWMO Orthopraxers. They wear black hats, are in kollel or who have kids in kollel, or are part of the RW MO world, but are total apikorsim, at least by currently accepted definitions of "Orthodoxy". I guess those kind of closet Orthopraxers would feel more threatened by the article.

Mean Toronto Gedolim Ban Blogs!

So what's the back story here? Is there a scandal brewing that the Gedolim want hushed up? Or just the usual BS?

Do you believe in God?

Interesting article on Hufpo.

Rabbi Mitleman writes:

"There are really only three answers people can give [to the question of do you believe in God?] : "Yes, I do," "No, I don't" or "I'm not sure.""

As commenters point out, actually there are a number of other answers, including:

"Which God?"

"Please define God, and then I can answer"

"I don't care to answer your question".

I would add:

"Sometimes"

"Occasionally, especially during turbulence"

Any others?

guest post from evanstonjew

Why are some soooo disappointed and angry with Orthodoxy, while others continue to feel deep feelings of love and gratitude towards the Orthodox way of life? Does it make a difference how a person was treated by their teachers and community? Does it depend if they were raised, charedi or MO? Should these positive feelings be encouraged, or is it true that there is no merit in being attached to worlds replete with myths and religious fantasy?

What is the role of our own history in deciding who we are and how we are going to live? In particular, does it make any difference how the Holocaust affected our families? Much of charedi life is connected to rebuilding/undoing the Holocaust. The same for Israel and its constant feelings of paranoia and isolation. Why is it that in MO circles we hear a lot more about RJBS derashot than what Stalin and Hitler did to the Jews ? Is the Holocaust a motive/reason for being traditional, so as not to give Hitler a posthumous victory? Does the Holocaust dictate a current MO politics, and if so what might such a politics look like?

When there is no fear of God, are the bonds of affection that tie a Jew to his religion ever sufficient to keep the Jewish people together? Do we really like each other as people or “we’ve more or less had it…THEY are all either crooks, kooks, paupers or nouveau riche .” Is the frum way of life attractive or is it all we know? Forget about guilt, should we be ashamed to be secular?

I hear JTS will be changed from an academic institution with rabbinics to a rabbinical seminary in competition with places like YCT and the non-denominational Rabbinical School of Hebrew College in Boston. This is a major change in Conservative thinking. Chancellor Eisen is trying to create a new generation of rabbis that will increase the traffic in Conservative synagogues, provide an impactful message to the congregants and become competitive in the religious market place between Centrist Orthodoxy and Reform. So here’s my question: What would it take to create something effective? Does success depend on the rabbi’s message, his charisma or maybe neither? How would an Orthodoxy that is not Orthodox work? What does it take to change a dying synagogue with an elderly membership into a vibrant religious community?

3 MORE QUESTIONS:

Does neo chasidus-Jewish renewal-spirituality (Green, Fishbain, Zalman Schecter, a straight Moti Elon, Shlomo Carlebach) in a halachic context hold any appeal? Can there be a MO chassidic community or a MO/Conservadox rebbe or is that an oxymoron?

Protestant thought has moved from subjective readings of the Bible to thinking that the subtleties of morality are to be found in literature and in particular in fiction. Should literature become an important element in Orthodox consciousness? What role if any should the arts and entertainment play in an ideal Orthodox world? Why are book and movie clubs a staple of secular Jewish life, but hardly figure in the religious world? Should we look to the arts for inspiration how to live, and if yes how do such new aesthetic and moral sensibilities reintegrate into Jewish life?

Should synagogues be politicized if they are to have any relevance? In what direction? The Reconstructionist synagogue in Evanston holds pro-Palestinian meetings. Is this disgusting? How can religious people be both morally relevant and supportive of Israel? Does a life of Torah and mitzvot need a politics?

So there it is…not a word about feminism or rationalism ? I tried to stretch the possibilities while not prejudging the degree of frumkeit necessary, hoping some of these topics might be of interest.

Back to you, XGH.

Parody Songs!

At first it was just me. (Well, technically I guess Lenny Solomon - Shlock Rock and Country Yossi beat me by about 20 years. My favorite from that period is still Kesher - Hit Me With Your Best Peshat.) But now everyone is in on the act. Besides the Maccabeats, even Young Israel came out with a great Purim Parody Song (Bottoms Up). In Israel, the fountainheads from Ein Prat leadership academy are doing it too. Their Purim Song wasn't so great, but this Pesach song isn't bad at all.

Meanwhile, here's a little parody song of my own:

I'm still alive but I'm barely livin
Stopped praying to a God that I don't believe in
Now I got time but I still got no freedom
Cause when faith breaks no it don't break even

My best times are now some of my worst,
I used to love learning and davening, had a spiritual thirst
Now I'm wide awake and have trouble sleeping
'cause when faith breaks no it don't break even, even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me says this just isn’t true, and
What am I supposed to say when everyone around me thinks everything is ok

I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say that everything happens for a reason
But I’ve found no wise words to stop the bleeding

'Cause millions die while we’re still believin
And when faith breaks no it don't break even, even ohhhh

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me says this just isn’t true, and
What am I supposed to say when everyone around me thinks everything is ok

I'm falling to pieces, yea
I'm falling to pieces

Oh you destroyed our faith but avoided the pain
You took the fame - but I took the blame
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains
Cause you left me with no faith but you care more about your good name

I'm still alive but I'm barely livin
Stopped praying to a God that I don't believe in
Now I got time but I still got no freedom
Cause when faith breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me says this just isn’t true, and
What am I supposed to say when everyone around me thinks everything is ok

I'm falling to pieces, yea
I'm falling to pieces

Oh it don't break even no,ohh
it don't break even no, ohh
It don't break even no